Settling a pending dispute: don't let it drag on

There are situations we let drag on: a misunderstanding with a neighbor, a debt between friends, a disagreement in a family, a dispute with a colleague. We tell ourselves we will deal with it later. But the more time passes, the heavier it gets. This quest invites you to contact, this week, the person with whom something is unsettled.

What it looks like in your day

Here is a practical way to proceed:

1. Identify the dispute. What is the situation? What exactly is unresolved? Write it in one sentence, in a neutral way.
2. Look for your part. What might I have misunderstood, said badly, done badly? Start there.
3. Pray for the person and for the meeting.
4. Make contact. A short message: “I'd like us to sort out what is left between us. Would you have a moment this week?” Avoid getting into the substance by message.
5. Prepare the meeting. Choose a quiet place, a moment without pressure. Plan sincere listening and concrete proposals.
6. Look for common ground. Not who is right, but what lets each person move forward. A compromise, an apology, an explanation, a sharing of the blame.
7. If it doesn't work on your own, ask a trusted third party to help you both.

If the dispute is financial, think of a simple written note: an amount, a date, a signature. If you are short on time, the first message is enough for this week. If you are shy, ask a friend to help you prepare.

What the Bible says

Jesus gives advice that is very relevant today:

“Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift. Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou art in the way with him; lest at any time the adversary deliver thee to the judge, and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou be cast into prison. Verily I say unto thee, Thou shalt by no means come out thence, till thou hast paid the uttermost farthing.”

In this passage, he insists on speed: “Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou art in the way with him.” Waiting makes the situation worse. This advice also holds for everyday tensions. He also gives a procedure for when someone has sinned against you:

“Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.”

“Go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone”: first in private. Paul adds that, as far as it depends on us, we should seek peace with everyone (Romans 12:18). The book of Proverbs also warns against rushing into lawsuits (Proverbs 25:8-10): it is better to deal with a matter with the person themselves, before rallying others.

Pitfalls to avoid

Waiting for the perfect moment. There isn't one. Set a date this week.

Writing everything by message. Written messages lend themselves to misunderstandings. Use them to propose a meeting, not to settle things.

Preparing a closing argument. If you arrive with an indictment, the other person will defend themselves. Arrive with a question: “How did you experience things?”

Pressuring the person. Respect their pace. If they refuse or delay, leave a little time, then come back gently.

Making the settlement conditional. “I'll settle if you apologize first” blocks everything. Do your part without waiting for theirs.

This week, choose a dispute. Contact the person to propose a meeting.