Working for unity: bringing together two people who have fallen out
Two friends who no longer speak, two families at odds, two colleagues in a cold war, two church members who avoid each other: these rifts hurt well beyond those who live them. They damage the group, create cliques, make others uncomfortable. This quest invites you to make a gesture to bring together two people around you who have fallen out.
What it looks like in your day
Spot the situation. Are there two people close to you who are on bad terms? What is the origin? Who is suffering most? Is there a misunderstanding that could be cleared up?
Pray first. For each of the people, separately, and for the situation. Ask God to show you what to do (or not to do).
Choose a realistic gesture. A few ideas:
- Talk to each one separately, listening: "How are you experiencing this situation?" Without taking sides.
- Recall the other's good. "You know, Paul spoke of you with a lot of affection the other day." If it is true.
- Suggest a meeting: a coffee for three, a meal, a mediation, in a calm setting.
- Encourage each to take a step: a word, an apology, a request for forgiveness.
- Don't make anything worse: refuse gossip.
Stay in the background at the meeting. If you have created the setting, let them talk to each other. Stay available, but don't direct.
Accept the limits. You don't have the power to force reconciliation. Your role is to create the conditions.
Pray again. That hearts would soften.
If you are in a hurry, just one gesture: a message to one of the two. If you are shy, remember that your role is discreet. If you are close to both, you are best placed.
What the Bible says
Paul steps in directly, in the letter to the Philippians, for two women in disagreement:
“I beseech Euodias, and beseech Syntyche, that they be of the same mind in the Lord. And I intreat thee also, true yokefellow, help those women which laboured with me in the gospel, with Clement also, and with other my fellowlabourers, whose names are in the book of life.”
"I beseech Euodias, and beseech Syntyche, that they be of the same mind in the Lord": he names both, he doesn't take sides, and he asks a "true yokefellow" to help them. That is a model: name them, don't pick a camp, involve someone who can help. Abram proposes to Lot to end a dispute between their herdsmen:
“And Abram said unto Lot, Let there be no strife, I pray thee, between me and thee, and between my herdmen and thy herdmen; for we be brethren. Is not the whole land before thee? separate thyself, I pray thee, from me: if thou wilt take the left hand, then I will go to the right; or if thou depart to the right hand, then I will go to the left.”
"Let there be no strife... for we be brethren": he takes the initiative, and he himself makes a sacrifice by leaving the choice to Lot. Jesus prayed for the unity of all his disciples (John 17:21), and calls the peacemakers blessed (Matthew 5:9).
Pitfalls to avoid
Taking sides. As soon as you lean one way, you lose the other's trust. Stay impartial.
Carrying around what each says about the other. Reported words poison. Repeat only what is positive and useful.
Forcing a meeting too early. Sometimes you have to let things settle. A rushed meeting can make everything worse.
Meddling in what is none of your business. If the people don't want you to intervene, respect that, and keep praying.
Getting discouraged. A reconciliation can take months. A small gesture can be its beginning.
Today, if two people around you have fallen out, make a concrete gesture: a message, a meeting, a prayer.