Asking someone how they are, really

"How are you?" "Fine, and you?" Three words, quickly dropped, without waiting for the answer. We exchange these phrases dozens of times a day without really hearing them. This quest invites you to ask the question once, today, for real.

What it looks like in your day

Choose a person you sense is carrying something, or simply someone you love but never really ask. Then:

1. Take a moment. If possible, avoid the minute of leaving or the checkout line. A coffee, a ride, a call.
2. Ask the question with attention. "How are you doing these days? Really." Your tone and your eyes say that you want the real answer.
3. Wait. Leave a pause. The first answer is often "Fine." If there is more, it will come after.
4. Follow up gently. "And at work? And your health?" "You mentioned your brother, is he doing better?"
5. Welcome what they say. Without minimizing ("It's not that bad"), without comparing ("I had it worse"), without fixing ("Here's what you should do").
6. End with a simple offer. "I'm thinking of you." "If you like, we can talk about it again."

If you are in a hurry, a written message can be enough: "I was thinking of you. How are you, really?" If you are shy, you can choose someone with whom the exchange is easy. If you are a beginner at evangelism, remember that this quality of attention is the doorway to every real relationship.

What the Bible says

In Nehemiah's story, a man far from Jerusalem questions those who return:

“That Hanani, one of my brethren, came, he and certain men of Judah; and I asked them concerning the Jews that had escaped, which were left of the captivity, and concerning Jerusalem. And they said unto me, The remnant that are left of the captivity there in the province are in great affliction and reproach: the wall of Jerusalem also is broken down, and the gates thereof are burned with fire. And it came to pass, when I heard these words, that I sat down and wept, and mourned certain days, and fasted, and prayed before the God of heaven,”

He asks for news, specific and concerned; and the answer shakes him: he weeps, he fasts, he prays. This attention to others is not worldly curiosity, it is a concern of the heart. In Genesis, Jacob sends Joseph to ask for news of his brothers:

“And he said to him, Go, I pray thee, see whether it be well with thy brethren, and well with the flocks; and bring me word again. So he sent him out of the vale of Hebron, and he came to Shechem.”

"See whether it be well with thy brethren": caring about the other person's well-being is an act of love. And Jesus, at the final judgment, speaks of those who visited the sick and the prisoners (Matthew 25:36): finding out about someone's situation is a form of obedience.

Pitfalls to avoid

Asking and walking away. If you say "How are you?" while walking past the person, you turn the question into a formula. Take the time to stop.

Prying. Some people don't want to talk about their difficulties. If they dodge, don't insist: "I'm here if you want to talk about it."

Revealing what is confided to you. What someone confides in you stays between you. Don't repeat it to others, even out of a desire to help.

Wanting to fix the problem. It is tempting to give advice. Often it is better to listen, then ask: "What would help you most?"

Asking reluctantly. If you don't really feel like it, first ask God to give you an interest in this person.

Today, choose someone. Ask them how they are, really, and listen all the way through.