Forgiveness and reconciliation: two paths not to be confused

We often confuse forgiveness and reconciliation. Yet they are two distinct processes. Forgiveness is a decision you make before God: you let go of your debt. Reconciliation is a process lived by two: it assumes that the other person takes part. This monthly quest invites you to pray, examine your heart, then take a humble step.

What it looks like in your day

Here is a path in four stages, to be done over several days:

1. Pray. Ask God to show you a relationship to restore. A rupture, a tension, an old wound. Let him bring someone to mind.
2. Examine your heart. What part is mine? What am I holding on to (grudge, judgment, desire to punish)? What do I not dare say?
3. Forgive, on your side. You can do it alone, before God: "I give up what this person owes me. I place them in your hands." This decision doesn't depend on the other person's reaction.
4. Take a step toward reconciliation, if it is possible and safe. A message, a call, a meeting. "I've been thinking of you. I'd like us to talk, if you're willing." Acknowledge your part, listen, propose a fresh start.

If reconciliation is not possible (the person has died, refuses all contact, or your safety is at stake), forgiveness remains possible: you can forgive without resuming contact.

If you are in a hurry, take only the first two steps today. If you are shy, write a letter first. If the wound is deep, ask for the help of someone to accompany you: a pastor, a counselor, a therapist.

What the Bible says

Jesus links the forgiveness we receive to the forgiveness we give:

“For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”

This is not bargaining: it is a reality of the heart. Whoever refuses to forgive closes off what they themselves have received. Paul reminds the Colossians:

“Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.”

"Even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye": the model is the forgiveness we have received. Peter asks how many times to forgive:

“Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.”

Jesus's answer, "until seventy times seven," indicates that forgiveness is not a single act, but a disposition. The story of Joseph and his brothers (Genesis 45:4-8) illustrates a path of forgiveness that leads to reconciliation.

Pitfalls to avoid

Confusing forgiveness with forgetting. Forgiving doesn't mean acting as if nothing had happened, or pretending it wasn't serious. You name the wrong, then you let go of the debt.

Forcing reconciliation. Reconciliation requires two people who are ready, and sometimes conditions: change, repair, time. Don't rush, especially in cases of violence or abuse.

Waiting for an apology before forgiving. You can forgive without being asked. It sets you free.

Forgiving to be admired. Keep your forgiveness discreet. It is not a badge of glory.

Judging yourself if the feelings are slow to come. Forgiveness is first a decision; emotions sometimes follow slowly. Don't conclude too quickly that you haven't forgiven.

This month, pray, examine your heart, and take a humble step: a forgiveness you grant, or a hand you extend.