Holding your tongue: holding back the cutting remark that was about to slip out

It is small, discreet, hidden behind the teeth, and capable of the best as well as the worst. A hurtful irony, a jab disguised as a joke, a remark that humiliates: we regret them as soon as they are out. This quest offers a very concrete exercise: holding back, today, at least one cutting remark you were about to let out.

What it looks like in your day

Spot the moment. Often, the cutting remark comes from tiredness, irritation, the desire to shine, or an old wound. The signal: a sentence forming in your head with a little pleasure mixed with discomfort.

Take a one-second pause. Before speaking, ask yourself: “Is it true? Is it useful? Is it kind?” If the answer is no to any of the three, keep quiet.

Keep the sentence. You don't have to say it. In your head, you can even watch it go by: “There's a jab.” That simple look takes away momentum.

Replace it, if needed. Sometimes, you can say something else: a question, a compliment, a simple “Hmm.”

Notice the recurring temptation. In what situation are you most tempted? With which person? On which subject? This observation helps you prepare.

Tell God afterwards. In the evening, give thanks for the remark you held back. If you let one slip, ask God's forgiveness, and the person's if necessary.

Mastering the tongue is one of the most lasting challenges of the Christian life. It isn't acquired in a day, but each remark held back is a small victory.

If you are short on time, hold back just one remark today. If you are shy, you are probably already used to keeping quiet: the challenge will rather be not to ruminate. If you are rather sarcastic, this is your challenge.

What the Bible says

James devotes a whole passage to the tongue:

“For in many things we offend all. If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body. Behold, we put bits in the horses’ mouths, that they may obey us; and we turn about their whole body. Behold also the ships, which though they be so great, and are driven of fierce winds, yet are they turned about with a very small helm, whithersoever the governor listeth. Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth! And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell.”

“In many things we offend all. If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man”: nobody escapes the difficulty. The images are striking: the bit in the horse's mouth, the rudder of the ship, the spark that sets a forest on fire. A small thing, a great consequence. The book of Proverbs adds:

“He that keepeth his mouth keepeth his life: but he that openeth wide his lips shall have destruction.”

“He that keepeth his mouth keepeth his life.” So it is not just a matter of politeness: it is a matter of inner life. And the same book reminds us that the one who holds back their words has knowledge (Proverbs 17:27).

Pitfalls to avoid

Staying quiet out of contempt. Saying nothing while thinking very loudly what you could have said is not holding your tongue: it is replacing it with an inner judgment.

Coming across as cold. Holding your tongue doesn't mean no longer saying anything. Say true and good things.

Swallowing without laying it down. If the remark hides a real frustration, lay it before God, or say it differently, gently.

Judging yourself harshly. You will let some slip. Simply apologize and carry on.

Thinking you are wiser than others. Holding back a jab doesn't make you superior. Stay humble.

Today, hold back at least one cutting remark. Thank God in the evening for this small step.