Swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: listening without interrupting
Listening without interrupting is easy when you are calm and the subject is neutral. It is another matter when the conversation is tense, when you disagree, when you feel attacked. Yet that is where it matters most. This quest invites you to live a conversation today while keeping James's three "slownesses."
What it looks like in your day
James says: swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. These three attitudes follow one another:
Swift to hear. As soon as the person begins, you make yourself available: eye contact, body turned toward them, phone ignored. You don't prepare your answer in your head: you retain what they say.
Slow to speak. When they stop, wait two seconds. You will often see that they add something important. If you answer, begin by rephrasing: "If I understand correctly, what hurt you is..."
Slow to wrath. If a sentence stings, don't react on the spot. Breathe. Tell yourself: "Maybe they don't know everything." Note your answer in your head, and wait until the other person has finished.
Practice first in an easy conversation, so the reflex sets in, then move on to a more difficult discussion. This exercise is especially useful in the conversations that make people angry: a disagreement with your spouse, a remark from your boss, a family discussion. Staying silent doesn't mean you agree: you listen first, you answer afterward.
If you are in a hurry, apply this to just one conversation, even a short one: five minutes well listened to are worth more than an hour of attention split between the other person and your phone. If you are shy, this challenge will come naturally. If you are a talker, count to three before each answer.
What the Bible says
Here is James's instruction:
“Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:”
The order is revealing: hear, speak, become angry, in that order. Most of us take it the wrong way round. The book of Proverbs describes the other benefit of restraint:
“He that hath knowledge spareth his words: and a man of understanding is of an excellent spirit. Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding.”
"A man of understanding is of an excellent spirit": the one who keeps quiet at the right moment is often considered wise. The words we don't say spare us many regrets. The same book reminds us that there is wisdom in holding your tongue (Proverbs 10:19).
Pitfalls to avoid
Staying silent while seething. Listening without interrupting doesn't mean swallowing it. If a reaction rises, you can say it later, calmly.
Listening in order to prepare the counterattack. That is not listening: it is waiting. Try to hear what the other person is living through.
Pretending. Nodding while thinking of something else shows. Better to listen a little for real than a lot in appearance.
Believing that silence is enough. Sometimes you also have to say something. Listening serves to answer rightly, not to never answer.
Judging yourself when you cut in. You will cut in. Apologize: "Sorry, I interrupted you, go on."
Today, in a tense conversation, listen all the way through, wait two seconds, then rephrase before answering.