Praying for someone you find difficult
Everyone knows someone with whom relationships are complicated: a critical mother-in-law, a haughty colleague, a noisy neighbor, a member of the church you can't get along with. This quest asks you for something demanding: praying for this person. Not so that they will change, but so that they will be blessed, and so that you will be set free.
What it looks like in your day
Start by being honest. You don't have to pretend everything is fine. You can tell God: “This person irritates me. I don't feel like praying for them. But I want to obey.” That is a real prayer.
Then, try these three steps:
- Say what is hard. “Lord, she cuts me off, and I feel disrespected.” Naming the problem keeps you from holding it in.
- Ask for good for them. Not vengeance, not justice to your taste: peace, health, joy, an encounter with God.
- Ask for a new outlook for yourself. “Help me see what they carry, what makes them act this way.”
A helpful way is to ask yourself: “What might this person be going through to be like this?” The answer doesn't justify their behavior, but it can soften your gaze. They may be afraid, tired, or have been hurt.
If you are short on time, one sentence is enough: “Lord, bless [first name].” If you hold a lot of resentment, don't force yourself to feel affection: simply choose to obey. Feelings often follow later.
What the Bible says
Jesus' request is straightforward:
“But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;”
“Love… bless… do good… pray”: a series of verbs that speak not of emotions but of actions. You can do these things even if your heart is still working through it.
Paul adds a realistic encouragement:
“If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.”
Notice the two conditions: “If it be possible” and “as much as lieth in you”. The Bible doesn't ask for the impossible, it recognizes that peace doesn't depend on you alone. Your part is not to break the bond on your side, and to pray.
In the book of Acts, Stephen, at the moment of his death, prays for those who are stoning him (Acts 7:60). This prayer is an extreme model, but it shows how far grace can go.
Pitfalls to avoid
Excusing harmful behavior. Praying for someone doesn't mean accepting being mistreated. If you are suffering violence, harassment or serious manipulation, protect yourself, talk to someone you trust, and seek help. You can pray for the one who hurts you while keeping a safe distance.
Praying for their conversion with secret contempt. Some prayers are long judgments in disguise: “Make him see how wrong he is.” If you hear yourself thinking that, start over differently.
Waiting for the other person to change. The person may never change. The aim of prayer is not to transform them to your taste, but to enable you to carry the situation without bitterness.
Lying to yourself. If forgiveness isn't there, don't pretend. Tell God where you really are, and ask him to walk the road with you.
This week, choose one person. Each day, one sentence: “Lord, bless them.” Gently observe what stirs in you.