Correcting with gentleness: a remark that lifts up

It happens that you see someone whose behavior is deteriorating: a friend drifting from their values, a brother saying hurtful things, a colleague putting themselves in danger. Keeping quiet means letting it happen. Speaking clumsily risks putting them on the defensive. This quest invites you to prepare a remark in prayer, then say it gently.

What it looks like in your day

Here is a method in six steps, adapted to a difficult remark:

1. Check your heart. Why do you want to speak? To help, or to relieve yourself, take revenge, show yourself to be better? If it is the latter, wait.
2. Pray for the person and for yourself. Ask God for the right words and the right moment.
3. Make an appointment. Don't do it in public or in passing in a hallway. “Can I talk to you for five minutes?”
4. Start with the bond. “You matter to me, and that's why I want to tell you something.”
5. Describe the facts, using “I.” “I've noticed that… I'm worried because…”
6. Listen. You may not have understood everything. Let the person respond.

You don't have to find a solution. Sometimes, it is enough to say what you see, just once, and let the person think about it.

If you are short on time, remember these three tips: pray first, speak in private, listen afterwards. If you are shy, write down what you want to say. If you are rather direct, slow down: gentleness is not weakness.

What the Bible says

Paul describes the attitude to have:

“Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted.”

“In the spirit of meekness,” and watching yourself: the one who corrects is vulnerable too. Jesus gives a practical instruction:

“Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.”

“Between thee and him alone”: first in private, without publicity. The aim is to “gain thy brother,” not to win an argument. The story of Nathan and David shows the art of the right remark: the prophet doesn't make a direct reproach, he tells a story that makes the king understand his fault (2 Samuel 12:1-7). He knows David, he chooses his words, he relies on his conscience.

Pitfalls to avoid

Correcting to feel superior. The remark is a service, not a judgment. If you find pleasure in it, it is a warning sign.

Correcting too quickly. A remark said in the heat of emotion is rarely well received. Let your irritation subside.

Correcting without a relationship. A remark from a stranger is often poorly received. It goes down better when it comes from someone who loves.

Never correcting. Conversely, keeping quiet for fear of displeasing can let someone get lost. Saying a hard thing with love is an act of faithfulness.

Insisting. You say things once, with care. If the person doesn't change, you can't force them. Keep loving them, praying, and leave them their freedom.

Today, if you have a remark to make, prepare it in prayer. Say it in private, gently, then listen.