Defending someone who is absent: saying a fair word for the one who isn't there

A conversation at the coffee break slowly drifts: people start talking about an absent colleague, first as a joke, then more harshly. You sense that it isn't fair, but you say nothing: nobody likes to play the killjoy. This quest invites you to do things differently today, if the opportunity arises.

What it looks like in your day

Defending an absent person doesn't mean making a speech or taking someone's side against everyone. It means saying a fair, calm word that rebalances the conversation. A few ways to do it:

• Bring in a missing fact. "I think he had a family issue this week, maybe that explains why he was late."
• Recall a quality. "I found he helped me a lot on last month's file."
• Suggest talking to him directly. "Maybe we should talk to him about it rather than among ourselves."
• Change the subject, quietly. "By the way, have you seen next week's schedule?"
• Simply say you're uncomfortable. "I'd rather not talk about him when he's not here."

What matters is the tone: without accusing those who are speaking. You are not there to moralize, but to give the absent person back their dignity. If you are shy, a very short sentence is enough. If you are in a hurry, remember this: not adding anything to the criticism is already a first step.

It can also be about defending someone who is never defended: a marginalized person, a group that is mocked, a child people complain about, a leader who is criticized behind their back.

What the Bible says

The book of Proverbs, in the words a mother speaks to her king-son, asks us to open our mouth for those who cannot speak:

“Open thy mouth for the dumb in the cause of all such as are appointed to destruction. Open thy mouth, judge righteously, and plead the cause of the poor and needy.”

"Open thy mouth for the dumb": speaking in place of the one who cannot. In the story of David, Jonathan gives a concrete example: while his father Saul wants to kill David, he pleads for him:

“And Jonathan spake good of David unto Saul his father, and said unto him, Let not the king sin against his servant, against David; because he hath not sinned against thee, and because his works have been to thee-ward very good: For he did put his life in his hand, and slew the Philistine, and the Lord wrought a great salvation for all Israel: thou sawest it, and didst rejoice: wherefore then wilt thou sin against innocent blood, to slay David without a cause?”

Jonathan speaks well of David, recalls his services, appeals to the truth of the facts, and obtains a calming of things. He takes a risk (his father was violent), but he says things fairly, without insulting Saul. Finally, the book of Leviticus forbids going about as a talebearer (Leviticus 19:16): not letting slander run is part of justice.

Pitfalls to avoid

Playing the vigilante. If you attack those who criticize, you replace one slander with another. Stay gentle and factual.

Defending someone wrongly. Sometimes the criticism is justified. Defending an absent person doesn't mean denying the facts: you can say "There is a real problem, but let's talk about it with him."

Setting yourself up as the savior. You do the absent person no favor by giving yourself the good role. Stay modest: one word is enough.

Staying silent out of fear. Silence is often taken as agreement. Even a simple "I don't see it that way" makes a difference.

Forgetting those who are present. The people who criticize are not enemies: they are colleagues, friends. Keep a respectful tone.

Today, if criticism of an absent person sets in, say a fair and kind word on their behalf.